PS: View this post in your browser to read the complete post and comment as well. After writing posts like DO WE REALLY NEED SELF LOVE?? where I talked about my recent development with self love,
DEALING WITH; AND OVERCOMING DEPRESSION where I addressed my issues with depression, and my three part post on bullying and suicide which you can find in part one, two and three. I also mentioned the time I had my longest depression on KNOWING WHEN TO LET GO OF THE WRONG PERSON, I finally decided to write about my road to self recovery. Not my journey because I’m still on the road; heading somewhere, I guess.
After writing my three part post on bullying and suicide (link above), I was able to finally give myself the love I was unable to; and then, I realised I hadn’t relapsed in weeks which was a really good thing for me because I was trying to work on myself so I could heal fully. I’ve learned to love, defend, and accept myself as well as my flaws and weaknesses. But, what brought about this sudden change? How was I able to recover; not fully but gradually? What/who helped me? And how did I reach this point of self recovery? That’s what I plan to address in today’s topic.
I’m someone who got so used to never talking about her problems with anyone; I’d pretend that everything was alright with a huge smile. I preferred to suffer in silence than say a word and end up crying in front of someone because to me it felt weak. It got to the point where I saw crying as being weak and I didn’t do it for a long time; I even forgot how it felt to cry. I just kept all the pain inside and pretended I was okay. I was actually good at it because people barely noticed anything and when they did, I’d say I had a headache or I wasn’t feeling well. I hated myself- I hated how I looked, my body, my flaws, how I felt and everything about me. I didn’t love myself and no matter how hard I tried, it just wasn’t working.
I tried to make people proud of me by being the top student in my class in senior secondary but when I achieved that, I wasn’t proud of myself. I was happy at first but then I felt bad and even embarrassed. The good comments made me feel happy; but later, disgusted. Although, it didn’t stop me because I didn’t want to lose my position in class; I just wasn’t happy doing it. I found that faking a smile was easier than saying something was wrong. Even when I was sick, I wouldn’t say a thing till my parents noticed or one of my sister’s told them. My depression kept getting worse and I wasn’t really bothered; I just hoped it would actually put an end to my pain once and for all.
I went through so much alone and no one noticed; not even my then best friends. I kept quiet about everything and later on, channelled most of my pain through my poems; but it just wasn’t enough. I found comfort and happiness in my blog until my depression started getting in the way of that happiness I found and I felt like giving up; I was on edge and it was just too much to handle. I got so tired of the depression; and that was when I wrote IS OUR BEST EVER ENOUGH . But the feeling didn’t go away; and that same day, I wrote my very first post on depression (link above).
I not only decided to finally accept my situation; but I decided to talk about it as well. I wasn’t thinking when I decided to post it; but somehow I felt better after doing that despite never wanting to talk about it. I still relapsed a few times and those voices kept talking to me. It was never easy to just get better all of a sudden; but I realised that when I wrote about it, I felt better. It was so hard (still is), to write about it; and realise how long I’ve kept quiet when I was the only one in pain. That’s why I decided to talk about it and little by little, I started feeling better.
The day I completed the 3rd part of my post on bullying and suicide, I was extremely depressed and I forced myself to write that post as an encouragement for myself; and I ended up feeling better just by writing about the pain I felt; I also wrote a poem titled “Dedicated to Suicide“. It’s a bit disturbing so I can’t post it; but I can privately send it to anyone who might want to read it. Ever since then, I haven’t relapsed or felt the need to hurt myself. I’m no longer ashamed of, nor do I hate myself; and I’m just trying to be happy. I refuse to let anything affect me or make me feel bad about myself or who I’m becoming; I’ve learned to stand up for and defend myself.
I’ve realised that we all deal with pain in our own way; but, accepting our situation is the first step, speaking up is the second, and accepting help is the third. Took me so long to get to the first step, but now I feel better and positive. I feel safe and good in my own body and mind. And having my good friends around me has actually brightened me up inside. I feel alive; and now I’m trying to give myself a chance to just be me. To let go and be happy; something I’ve always wanted deep down despite my strong and sometimes cold personality. And, I don’t care if anyone I know sees this because they’ve never understood it; they never noticed. I’m starting over and I’m loving this new change. Honestly, that’s what matters at the moment.
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