PS: View this post in your browser to read the complete post and comment as well. After writing posts like DO WE REALLY NEED SELF LOVE??  where I talked about my recent development with self love,
DEALING WITH; AND OVERCOMING DEPRESSION where I addressed my issues with depression. I also mentioned the time I had my longest depression on KNOWING WHEN TO LET GO OF THE WRONG PERSON, I finally decided to write about my road to self recovery. Not my journey because I’m still on the road; heading somewhere, I guess.

After writing all each post (link above), I was able to finally give myself the love I was unable to; and then, I realised I hadn’t relapsed in weeks which was a really good thing for me because I was trying to work on myself so I could heal fully. I’ve learned to love, defend, and accept myself as well as my flaws and weaknesses. But, what brought about this sudden change? How was I able to recover; not fully but gradually? What/who helped me? And how did I reach this point of self recovery? That’s what I plan to address in today’s topic.

I’m someone who got so used to never talking about her problems with anyone; I’d pretend that everything was alright with a huge smile. I preferred to suffer in silence than say a word and end up crying in front of someone because to me it felt weak. It got to the point where I saw crying as being weak and I didn’t do it for a long time; I even forgot how it felt to cry. I just kept all the pain inside and pretended I was okay. I was actually good at it because people barely noticed anything and when they did, I’d say I had a headache or I wasn’t feeling well. I hated myself- I hated how I looked, my body, my flaws, how I felt and everything about me. I didn’t love myself and no matter how hard I tried, it just wasn’t working.

I tried to make people proud of me by being the top student in my class in senior secondary but when I achieved that, I wasn’t proud of myself. I was happy at first but then I felt bad and even embarrassed. The good comments made me feel happy; but later, disgusted. Although, it didn’t stop me because I didn’t want to lose my position in class; I just wasn’t happy doing it. I found that faking a smile was easier than saying something was wrong. Even when I was sick, I wouldn’t say a thing till my parents noticed or one of my sister’s told them. My depression kept getting worse and I wasn’t really bothered; I just hoped it would actually put an end to my pain once and for all.

I went through so much alone and no one noticed; not even my then best friends. I kept quiet about everything and later on, channelled most of my pain through my poems; but it just wasn’t enough. I found comfort and happiness in my blog until my depression started getting in the way of that happiness I found and I felt like giving up; I was on edge and it was just too much to handle. I got so tired of the depression; and that was when I wrote IS OUR BEST EVER ENOUGH . But the feeling didn’t go away; and that same day, I wrote my very first post on depression (link above).

I not only decided to finally accept my situation; but I decided to talk about it as well. I wasn’t thinking when I decided to post it; but somehow I felt better after doing that despite never wanting to talk about it. I still relapsed a few times and those voices kept talking to me. It was never easy to just get better all of a sudden; but I realised that when I wrote about it, I felt better. It was so hard (still is), to write about it; and realise how long I’ve kept quiet when I was the only one in pain. That’s why I decided to talk about it and little by little, I started feeling better.

The day I completed the 3rd part of one post, I was extremely depressed and I forced myself to write that post as an encouragement for myself; and I ended up feeling better just by writing about the pain I felt; I also wrote a poem titled. It’s a bit disturbing so I can’t post it; but I can privately send it to anyone who might want to read it. Ever since then, I haven’t relapsed or felt the need to hurt myself. I’m no longer ashamed of, nor do I hate myself; and I’m just trying to be happy. I refuse to let anything affect me or make me feel bad about myself or who I’m becoming; I’ve learned to stand up for and defend myself.

Self recovery

I’ve realised that we all deal with pain in our own way; but, accepting our situation is the first step, speaking up is the second, and accepting help is the third. Took me so long to get to the first step, but now I feel better and positive. I feel safe and good in my own body and mind. And having my good friends around me has actually brightened me up inside. I feel alive; and now I’m trying to give myself a chance to just be me. To let go and be happy; something I’ve always wanted deep down despite my strong and sometimes cold personality. And, I don’t care if anyone I know sees this because they’ve never understood it; they never noticed. I’m starting over and I’m loving this new change. Honestly, that’s what matters at the moment.

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14 comments Add yours
  1. So many good points in this post. The importance of being kind for one. The fact that some pain defies words. And the caution not to mock what you’ve never endured. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.

  2. Hi Okoto, every recovery moves at its own pace. I’m so proud of you and the strength that you have shown through out your life. You have to look at it as strength. A lot of people going through depression everyone around them knows because they’re always crying and want everyone to save them. People don’t really understand what depression is so they back away. Your story is so much like mine I was clinically shy. I called my depression a dark cloud. Do you know that I was 29 years old when I started talking out about my depression. I held my poems in my head until I was 29 when I begin to start writing them down I felt better to get
    it out. I hated myself because I knew I was a creator. I knew that I was a writer and I couldn’t express myself on paper I couldn’t write my feelings down because I could not spell. I could not read. How could I be a writer and not know how two express my self on paper. The words was in my head but I couldn’t get them out. I learned how to work the computer at 29 and I would write and hit spell check. Through it all I have learned how to love myself for who I am. You see that my disability doesn’t hold me back. I know you notice my mistakes. It’s times I write things the wrong way with my dyslexic mind. But I love my thoughts. I love the way I create characters in my head. I struggle bringing them out on paper but I do it. I get the job done because I know I have a gift. I know I touch people’s heart with the things that I write. I’ve always dreamt of sitting down and write my feelings when my thoughts are flowing so fast in my mind but then getting them down on paper slows me down. I have to figure out how to spell the words correctly. I know I am blessed with many other gifts. You see how blessed you are. Do you see you’re God given gifts. We are chosen and everything we go through in between makes us stronger than others. I would like read Dedicated to Suicide and if you don’t mind I would like to read it two the young ladies that I’m talking with about their depression and attempted suicide. I’m going to put a video together when I get to California in June and I hope that some ladies will speak out on the video if not I’ll do a video alone and talk of what I’ve learned since I’ve started my Passing the Pen Campaign

    1. Thank you once again. You always touch my heart with your words because they’re so beautiful! And you helping out others is simply amazing. Should I send the poem to the email address?

  3. Great post. Very raw and honest, and speaks truthfully of what a lot of people go through but sometimes don’t have the courage to admit let alone write about so well done 👏🏻 🙂

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