After writing posts like 10 THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM BEING SINGLE, MY THOUGHTS ON “LOVE”; DOES IT EXIST?, and DO WE REALLY NEED SELF LOVE??, which are all sensitive and personal topics, I decided to write all about letting go of the wrong person/people because it feels like the best time. I want everything to fall into place before I publish my 3 part post on suicide because it’s the most sensitive topic of them all. So I’m taking it one step at a time. For someone who presents herself as someone who hates love (already cleared that up; post link above), I don’t really find this topic strange but rather, really sensitive and a bit hurtful.
Knowing when to let go of the wrong person doesn’t have to do with a partner alone; it also involves friends. But I’ll talk more about the aspect of love and mention a little about friends. The one topic I thought I’d never talk about; where do I start? Knowing when to let go is a story about a girl who held on to the love she felt for someone despite getting hurt and knowing he wasn’t the right one. Until one day; after some years, she decided to accept reality. And, although it really hurt, she had to let go and move on because she realized loving the wrong person wasn’t worth the pain. Well, that girl was me.
Maybe there was a time when I thought love was the best feeling in the world; but not anymore. That saying “when you grow up and your heart dies” is kind of how things are. Falling for someone who doesn’t really value or appreciate your love is like the worse feeling ever. We were never in a relationship; something I’m happy about now. But, everyone knew about my feelings for him; it wasn’t something hidden despite how much I denied it. I loved him more than I loved myself; and that was my biggest mistake. He was everything to me; everything I ever wanted; my salvation. There was a time we weren’t talking and that affected me so much because it was like I had lost him; and nothing mattered anymore.
I loved every single thing about him; his eyes, his smile, his voice, his gaze; every little detail. The thought of him was something that made me happy and I couldn’t put those feelings into words. After like 2 years, we went our separate ways but we were still in contact. Still, that didn’t change the way I felt about him. I didn’t mention it but he was my first love; not some little girl crush but something real; well, to me. Later on, I heard things about him; not saying what, and it really hurt me; more than he could imagine. I suffered in silence severally; but acted like nothing was wrong. I blamed myself and felt like it was my fault. Everything that happened was enough to make me hate him; I did a little but deep down, I still loved him regardless.
Songs like Selena Gomez’s “The Heart Wants What it Want“, “My Dilemma“, “Same Old Love” and Lady Gaga’s “Perfect Illusion” described how I felt. It was the worse feeling ever and I always ended up hurt and depressed. We lost contact for 2 more years but some how, we managed to get in contact a year later. During that time, I was trying to make things work with someone but when he came back into my life, everything changed. He reignited every feeling I had for him; and I had to choose between him and the other person. I didn’t need to think twice; I chose him in a heartbeat! But, it didn’t end there. He walked away and I was literally destroyed. I had my longest depression which lasted for 2 months and I kept blaming myself; thinking I wasn’t good enough and it was my fault.
I suffered in silence for so long; with no one to talk to. I had best friends who’d talk to me about their problems but when I had an issue, I had no one to talk to. I wanted so badly to end the pain and just let go. My depression was worse at that moment and I felt really horrible. But then I realised I was suffering over someone who didn’t even care. I loved someone for five years and it felt like nothing to him. I was in a really horrible place; but then I decided to numb the pain and let go because the pain I felt wasn’t worth loving him. I can’t even explain how I felt because it was the worse moment ever and it’ll be impossible to put it into words.
I decided to cut everyone off as well because I realised I didn’t have real friends and they were more like decorations to me. It hurt more letting him go and finally getting over him but I did it after months of depression and pain. I changed my number and let go of the past; I moved on. I just wasn’t the same after that. Somehow, after 3 years, he managed to find his way back into my life and I didn’t feel a thing; I just didn’t care. We’re cool now but those feelings aren’t there; and I’m glad. I feel like Little Mix in “Shout Out to My Ex“; although he wasn’t really my ex.
Do I regret loving him? No; because at some point, he was everything I wanted. I even need to thank him for being the reason behind some of my poems which helped me a lot. I only regret not talking about what I went through with anyone because it affected me in a way. But I realised that loving him and having the friends I did wasn’t worth the trouble.
So, was letting go a good thing? Yes; because I went through so much over a love that wasn’t worth it. I suffered in silence for so long and blamed myself when I didn’t deserve any of that. No one deserves to suffer in silence, to think they weren’t good enough, to wonder where they went wrong, to blame themselves for someone else’s decisions, or feel like it was their fault either. No one deserves any of that.
I admire how Perrie Edwards from Little Mix handled her break up with Zayn and how good she feels now. I also admire how Selena Gomez dealt with her break up with Justin. Despite going for rehab and all that, she’s in a much better place now; and one can tell she’s happy. Also, how Lady Gaga handled her breakup with her fiance and channelled her pain through her music (Million Reasons and Perfect Illusion). I love and admire that; and I too want to be in a better place and finally rebuild myself without the fear of breaking down. I want to live with no fear or attachment to the past, no worries, and most importantly, with happiness. Have you ever had to let go of someone before? Did you regret it?
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