PS: View this post in your browser to read the complete post and comment as well. Warning: Might contain vivid imagery due to the choice of words used. Hey everyone. Yesterday I talked about bullying, suicide and death which you can find here. Like I promised, this is the second part. I strongly advice you read the first part before moving on to this one so you get a better understanding of the topic and you’ll know the whole point of this discussion, and what led to it. If you’ve already read the first part, we can move on to the second part. Last time, I addressed a section of bullying; and I said I’d talk more about bullying before moving on to suicide and, finally, death. I’ll probably make this a three-part post. I ended the previous post talking about how I was bullied as a child; but I haven’t made reference to Hannah’s character in “13 reasons why”; and I have to expand more on bullying.
Let’s start now, shall we? What bullying does to people is something others who haven’t experienced it can’t relate to or understand. You become defenceless, vulnerable, and weak. It makes you feel worthless, sad, lonely, and like you’re nothing. You begin to shut people out because no one understands, and you just stay on your own, then you feel like it’s your fault. It does more damage than the people inflicting it can imagine. It leaves emotional, physical, and sometimes mental scars. That’s probably how Hannah felt; that’s how I felt. People forget we’re human; and sometimes we need love. But making someone feel like they don’t deserve love is just horrible.
As time went on, and days became weeks, weeks became years, I began to think about self harm. And, although, I didn’t do it like Hannah did, it became something I wanted, something I craved for, something I thought about. I felt like it was the best option, and I deserved to die. I began to think everything they said was right. Little by little, I began to suffer from depression without knowing it, I’d keep quiet whenever everyone was talking, I’d cry alone where no one could see, I’d refuse to eat sometimes. I didn’t have the courage to take my life because I was still young; so I prayed and hoped it’d happen; but it never did. I began to fake being happy, and I tried to interact with people; I tried to fit in. But with each try, it backfired. I never fit into groups, and it felt like I didn’t fit into my own family.
I began to hate myself; I’d insult and say bad things to myself because I felt like I deserved it. I’d pretend that nothing was wrong when everything was going down hill. “It’s your fault; you’re the problem. You’re the reason no one loves me; you don’t even deserve it. You’ll never be happy.” I said that to myself; and I’d remind myself in case I ever thought otherwise. I still do it but I try to shut that inner voice. That’s when my love for darkness began; I ended up finding comfort in a dark room; because it kept me calm; and I knew no one was there to make me feel bad besides myself. And to top it off, I ended up being surrounded by the wrong people who were more of a pain than a blessing. And, that took its toll on me as well because I communicate less, I trust less, I don’t open up about things, I shut people out and push everyone away, I still pretend to be happy, and so on.
I can’t say I don’t think about self harm; I still do; a lot. It’s something that lingers in the back of my mind. I’ve pictured it; what to do, how and when to do it, everything. But I’m trying not to; despite how bad my depression gets sometimes; and despite what the voices in my head say. If I’ve felt this way towards bullying, but I haven’t pulled the plug yet, you can only imagine how Hannah felt. And her character is a representation of every individual who has been bullied, those who suffer from mental illness (I guess), and those who have committed suicide because they were unable to hold on.
It takes time to actually reach that point but when you feel like you’ve held on for so long and everything just keeps going wrong, and the people around you just make things worse. You eventually cross that bridge because you feel no one cares. And most of the time, no one actually notice anything until it’s too late. I don’t know if I’ll ever reach that point; although sometimes it seems like I move closer to that point. But a part of me doesn’t want that. I really don’t need to watch the movie because in the end, it’ll feel like seeing myself in the eyes of another girl. Maybe suicide isn’t an option; but the people who have gotten to that point knows what it feels like; and, criticizing their actions won’t change a thing.
Once again, I’ll stop here even though it’s not a well detailed post. There’ll be a third, and final part of this post. Every story needs a conclusion; doesn’t it? I’m not expecting sorry, or sympathy; I just hope this post, as well as my story can help others; I hope. And bullies can understand that their actions does a lot of damage; more than they can imagine.
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