I don’t know where to start with this so I’ll jump right in and hit the nail on the head; little by little. We live in a world where accepting things/reality is difficult. Accepting that we’re actually going through something that might be serious isn’t all that easy. It’s best to lie to ourselves and just believe that everything is alright; that we’re okay, and we don’t need help. Maybe everything is in our head; so it’s not real. Maybe it’s just normal mood swings, or a day when you just feel down for no reason. I mean everyone has those days so it’s nothing important. But then again, accepting that you’re going through depression; or that you’re depressed isn’t really what we want.
It might be hereditary, it might be due to something that happened in the past; something that affected you, and you had to live with, without telling anyone. And those images keep recurring in your mind every once in a while. Then you’re sad for no reason; you want to be alone, you don’t want to talk to anyone; maybe you do but you feel like they won’t understand. You begin to think about self harm, how you can numb that feeling; that pain. How to make it stop. No one understands; but you do. So you have to stop it once and for all because it just won’t go away.
Everyone sees the smile on your face; you laugh and joke around a lot. But they don’t understand that you need company, and you’re not well. You become aggressive, and they think you just have an attitude problem. You cry alone where no one can see you; then you come out with a huge smile on your face like nothing’s wrong. You begin to shut everyone out; and they tag you as “cold and heartless”; they can never understand; no one does. You’re just going through a phase; nothing more, you don’t need help, and you don’t have to talk to anyone about it. You’re okay. Maybe a little rest will do.
You begin to think more about self harm. You tell yourself you’re not good enough; and you deserve the pain you feel. You feel it’s your fault you feel that way, and you deserve everything that’s happening. Everyone’s happy; but you don’t deserve that. Fake your happiness; no one will notice, they never do. You don’t know how to cry anymore, because you’re numb, but the pain is still there. You try to rebuild yourself, but you just come crashing down; there’s no use. You act strong in front of everyone, but you hope someone will see past those walls you can’t let down; but they never do. Life goes on, doesn’t it? You blame yourself because they don’t understand; and you feel you deserve this; you deserve everything – the pain, the suffering, everything! It’s your fault; that’s why you’ll never be happy!
That’s a short summary of how I’ve dealt with depression for over 10 years; ever since I was 5 or 6 when I started having those thoughts; and I never told anyone about it. I guess it took me this long to finally accept that I’ve been dealing with depression; which is the reason I’m talking about it. I guess despite being in denial and never accepting help or opening up about it, accepting that I’m going through such a thing is the first step to getting better. I guess deep down I’m not scared of being broken because I already am, but deep deep down, I’m also a coward; that’s why I’ve never been able to pull the plug in this secret battle. That’s the reason I love solitude, why I never get attached to anyone, why I push everyone away, why I never open up about things, why I hated myself for so long, and why I stopped believing in so many things. I always thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel; I thought I saw the light but I’m still in the dark. Although deep down it’s my fault it went on for so long because I never wanted to say anything, and I never wanted help.
Depression is something that doesn’t show on people’s face; and many people are not willing to accept it. It’s something that kills you from the inside but you pretend like nothing’s wrong and you just live with it. I don’t know if it can ever be cured or if one can come out of it well and better. But I know it’s a sickness that gets worse over time. Acceptance is the first step to getting better; and self harm is never the answer. It might seem like the best solution but it’s not.