WHAT I DIDN’T EXPECT!
I’ve always wanted to write about the decision that changed my life. I guess that thing is regret. I ask myself: What do I think of when you hear this word? What do I see? What do I remember? What lesson did I learn from it? What do I actually regret? What do I hope for? All of which I’ll try to answer.
I’ve been wanting to write on this topic since September; but I ignored it. After what I read and saw today, I decided that it’s the best time to write on this topic. I’m a bit angry right now but I’ll try not to say anything harsh or horrible; despite how much I’d love to! There are definitely so many things I regret; but now, I realise that my biggest regret was actually giving people who didn’t deserve anything good a place in my life. I was over the whole situation for a really long time; but it has been reignited. I’ll just give a short story of what I regret; with some parts omitted.
It was towards the end of 2014 after I graduated from Secondary/senior high school. I was friends with everyone; basically everyone in class as well as other students; as most of us had known each other for a long time! I thought we would be friends forever or something; huge mistake! I never realised how hypocritical and fake they were; and still are. After graduating, I heard all the bad things they said about my twin and I; how stupid of them!😒 I never realised they were a waste of my time. But before I get to that part of the story, I’ll talk about another mistake I made. I was giving; like if someone needed money, I would give them; as I always had and still have money; and sometimes, I wouldn’t take it back. I would help whoever I could in any way I could. In short, I was naive! Sometimes, I’d ask for something from someone, a friend, as a joke to see who would buy it for me. One day, I asked a friend to get something for me; and they laughed at me. For some reason, I decided to ask other people; including the people I helped; and most them gave lame excuses. It showed me that no one was willing to help me out; even though I didn’t really need it. It showed me that no one would stand by you when you need help.
Back to the previous discussion. I know this post is long; but it’s my only way to vent and get over the whole situation. When I realised how hypocritical they were, and with everything I was going through during that period, I changed my phone number and cut a lot of people off. I distance myself from so many people; luckily for me, I decided to school far from home.
It pisses me off to know that despite everything I put up with while in school, it still didn’t stop. They always made fun of me for being too skinny; despite the fact that I was among the best top 3 students in my class for three consecutive years; and I felt insecure. I tried to eat as much as I could just to put on weight. I was unable to post a picture of my twin and I because she was fatter than I was; so they would always compare the both of us and laugh at me. They would say horrible things to me; and although I’d get really angry, I always forgave them. But it got to a point where I could no longer take it. And despite not being in touch with them, I always heard the things they said behind my back.
What inspired me to write this post was when I checked a friends post on instagram; he posted my picture from when we were in school, and I decided to check it out. I saw really insultive comments my insignificant ex class mates said about me. It didn’t hurt at first; but then I remembered everything they’ve said about me; then I got pissed off! It goes to show how pathetic they are; they have nothing to do besides dragging my name under the bus for whatever stupid reason they might have. How I’d love to confront them!
The whole situation made me realise how naive I was back then. But now, I know better. I know my place in someone’s life, and I know when someone is using me for their benefit because people always need something; especially money! It made me realise that I have more strength than I originally thought and that I can survive with or without anyone in my life. The only disadvantage is that I see everyone the same way; and sometimes I feel numb to emotions. There are so many things I’d like to say; but I’d rather stop here for now. If they ever decide to come back into my life, I would kick them out; after saying everything I’ve been holding back since 2014.
But, everything they did made me stronger; and I’m able to channel myself through most of my poems and just let things go now. Rather than wish them bad like they do to me, I hope to go higher than I already am. I hope that someday when I make it, I can publicly thank them for being horrible to me because the pain made me stronger, wiser, and better. The pain and anger made me who I am. And thanks to that betrayal, I was able to uplift myself and hold myself high; as well as value myself. They can go on with whatever because they don’t mean anything to me; and they don’t add anything to my life as well. I feel okay now; being able to vent and let go. My advice to everyone is to let go of any negative person in your life because it’s not worth the trouble or time.
Thanks for reading.
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